Sunday, November 14, 2010

Happy Angel Day BumbleBree

Dear Bree,
It really still feels like yesterday that you died...  How can it be 3 years???  I can still feel you in my arms.  I wish I could talk to you, see you, anything.  I'd beg and cry and plead - but I've already done that a million times.  What more can I try?  A psychic?  Ouiji Board?  I don't even know how to spell it, let alone use it.  I was never the type to do anything like that.  Will you really never come back again?  How can that be?  It seems like most people have already forgotten you.  I want to scream that you existed and you took half of me with you when you died and that I will never be okay again.  I do my best for T and your Daddy of course.  I go to work and give my all there too - those kids need me also.  But most of the time, I still just want to curl up into the fetal position and let the pit of grief take me far far away.  From numbness to pain, and back to numbness and then more pain again.  Will it never end?  Some people say that it will and that it gets better.  But I say How?!  When I will never stop loving you and my pain is equal to my love.  How will it possibly get better?  Some say you get stronger dealing with the pain.  Well, it has been 5 years and 3 years since you girls died and I am not any stronger.  I am more fragile and weak and sad as always.  If anything, I have learned to bring on the numbness and shut out the pain at will.  Not that that really helps.  I just become a tuned out zombie.
I did find it in me to document your Angel Day and write down what we did. 
While your Dad slept in, T and I went to McDonald's for breakfast. We donated to the Ronald McDonald House and filled out papers with the you and Chloee's names on them to hang on the wall in their memory.

Then we went home to wake up Dad and T made my day! He's getting so big now and understands that Angel Days make me sad because I miss you (I cry a lot) and this year he made us all presents. So the first thing we did was open his presents. He had one for Dad, one for me, one for you "BreeL and Cloee" and of course one for himself. He had given us some of his own toys and each of us a drawn picture :) He opened the one for you since "they can't open it."  It was a family picture he made for you.  (You of course were in bee stripes and Chloee was a ladybug.)

It is moments like these that I just know you have to be here with us somehow. How could you miss out on your sweet brother's gift for you?
Then of course we ate - what we usually do to combat the pain - stuff ourselves with mind numbing food. And donated all of our cash to the donation box at the restaurant for a local girl who is fighting cancer.

Then we took Tyson to a Bounce House place to play and just enjoyed every minute of him. And we did a balloon release for you.  A blue balloon of course, because T says that's your favorite just like him.
That night, while the boys played the PS3, I finished up the kit I made in loving memory of you and scrapped some pages for you.

I knew I wanted to do a bumblebee kit. So when I thought about bees, Winnie the Pooh Bear came to mind. I love PoohBear and have used many of his quotes in our home and in scrapbook pages. And so that's what I made!  My kit BumbleBree - for you BreeBree.

I love you and miss you with all of my being.  Hugs, Baby Bree
Your Grieving Mommy

Monday, August 23, 2010

Letter to Heaven

It's been a long time since I wrote a letter to heaven so I did 2 matching pages with letters to heaven last night for my angel baby girls.  The summer is the best time of year for us, as far as our grief goes.  We have the girls' birthdays and angel days (the days they died) throughout the year in Sept. Nov. Feb. and Apr.  So every few months, we are hit hard with our grief.  The summer goes a little bit smoother.  I can feel inside of me that September and that Chloee's Birthday is coming so I thought I'd do some griefwork and write to my girls - really wish I knew how to mail this to heaven.....
 he holds the key to my heart - in heaven.  When she died, we bought a special mother and daughter set of bracelets that had a key and a lock on them.  She is buried with hers on and I wore mine for a long time - until it broke at Disneyland.  It spilled all over and I remember these super nice people helping us pick up beads from the ground.  It hurt my heart when it broke and I kept the pieces that we were able to find - but I haven't yet.  I just try to remember that my heart holds the real key to her heart...  Miss you Bree!  Love you.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Our Tinkerbell Fairy

My friend Natalie of Natalie's Place Designs, has a new Tinkerbell kit out with purpliciousness!!!
And of course I had to do pages for my BumBum, Bree-Elle, our Tinkerbell Fairy!  These fairy pics were taken 2 weeks before she died.  I still can't believe she's gone... 3 years later.
But I am lovin' this kit and it makes me so happy to make this purplicious page for her!

Find Natalie's Indigo Kit on her blog - Natalie's Little Corner of the World

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Guesting Pages for Graham Like the Cracker

I spent some time last month guesting for the digital scrap designer Jennifer Graham aka Graham Like the Cracker and I wanted to share the pages I made for Bree using her cute kits!

I've been trying to do a page for when we wrote the girls' names in the sand for sooooo long now.  Nothing seemed to look right.  So when I got to use her new kit Drift Away, I was inspired to try yet again.  Here's the page I came up with that I actually love now:

And likewise for Bree with the kit Purple is my Signature Color because it was!!!  Everything purple reminds us of Bree.  Here's her page with a very precious photo.  My heart is tied to her with heartstrings.

You can find Graham Like the Cracker on her blog here

Saturday, July 17, 2010

A Purple Heaven

Kellybell Designs has her newest kit out!  It's a Frog Prince kit called On the River made for the movie The Princess and The Frog with Princess Tiana and Prince Naveen.  I wasn't sure what to do with it but then after seeing the cute stuff in the kit and all of the purpleness... I had to do a page for my Bree-Elle.  It's called A Purple Heaven :)  Love you, BreeBree

Find Kellybell's kit On the River here
And of course, she has freebies on her blog here

Thursday, July 15, 2010

My Favorite Bree Outfit

A page dear to my heart for my Angel daughter Bree about one of my favorite outfits that she wore... still sitting in her closet...
Her purple bow with plenty of bling, her purple sneakers, and a shirt that says "Daddy's Girl"

I used Mango Tango mini kit by Delicious Scraps