It really still feels like yesterday that you died... How can it be 3 years??? I can still feel you in my arms. I wish I could talk to you, see you, anything. I'd beg and cry and plead - but I've already done that a million times. What more can I try? A psychic? Ouiji Board? I don't even know how to spell it, let alone use it. I was never the type to do anything like that. Will you really never come back again? How can that be? It seems like most people have already forgotten you. I want to scream that you existed and you took half of me with you when you died and that I will never be okay again. I do my best for T and your Daddy of course. I go to work and give my all there too - those kids need me also. But most of the time, I still just want to curl up into the fetal position and let the pit of grief take me far far away. From numbness to pain, and back to numbness and then more pain again. Will it never end? Some people say that it will and that it gets better. But I say How?! When I will never stop loving you and my pain is equal to my love. How will it possibly get better? Some say you get stronger dealing with the pain. Well, it has been 5 years and 3 years since you girls died and I am not any stronger. I am more fragile and weak and sad as always. If anything, I have learned to bring on the numbness and shut out the pain at will. Not that that really helps. I just become a tuned out zombie.
I did find it in me to document your Angel Day and write down what we did.
While your Dad slept in, T and I went to McDonald's for breakfast. We donated to the Ronald McDonald House and filled out papers with the you and Chloee's names on them to hang on the wall in their memory.
Then we went home to wake up Dad and T made my day! He's getting so big now and understands that Angel Days make me sad because I miss you (I cry a lot) and this year he made us all presents. So the first thing we did was open his presents. He had one for Dad, one for me, one for you "BreeL and Cloee" and of course one for himself. He had given us some of his own toys and each of us a drawn picture :) He opened the one for you since "they can't open it." It was a family picture he made for you. (You of course were in bee stripes and Chloee was a ladybug.)
Then of course we ate - what we usually do to combat the pain - stuff ourselves with mind numbing food. And donated all of our cash to the donation box at the restaurant for a local girl who is fighting cancer.
Then we took Tyson to a Bounce House place to play and just enjoyed every minute of him. And we did a balloon release for you. A blue balloon of course, because T says that's your favorite just like him.
That night, while the boys played the PS3, I finished up the kit I made in loving memory of you and scrapped some pages for you.
Love,
Your Grieving Mommy
